You Can't Sue Me, I Have A Hippo
by SilverMoonrise
Summary: Brooklyn-Skyler Badriyah and her friend, Jessica-Heather Grey seem to have fallen (well, been pushed by Sky's brother) into Middle Earth. But one of them has been turned into a Mary-Sue! This is going to get interesting... (10th and 11th walkers, Legomances, betrayals, friendships and much, much more. Oh, yeah, there's also a hippo. Please review!)
1. Community Service Gets You Screwed

**_One_**

The yellow sun had just risen and was hanging low in the sky, which was now a soft swirl of red and white. Sunrise, when the sun's rays were not as harsh as they would be during the day. Also the ideal time to be doing community service on a Sunday. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat as I caught the smell of animal manure.

"Yuck. I wish I'd gone to all those other community service projects. Those are mild in comparison!" I complained.

"Brighten up, Sky. It'll be fun!" said my friend, Jessica, brightly.

"That's what they all say. And somehow, it never is." I hated animals. I hated the local zoo. I hated the Service co-ordinator, Miss Malyn, her squeaky little annoying voice and her _"all standard eights must do at least twelve hours of community service every term" _policy. Ugh.

Jess shrugged. "Oh, well. Suit yourself."

The bus stopped, and with it the chatter of excited goody-two-shoes. All the other rebels had gotten out of it by faking headaches. They'd "Just do double the work next time". Unfortunately, I had an environmentalist for a mother.

Miss Malyn got up from her seat at the front of the bus. "Right, everybody. Thanks for joining us today. Remember that you are always welcome to say for an extra three hours if you fell you are in need of some more service points."

Behind me, someone scoffed. I turned sharply in my seat and gawped at my brother. What the hell was he doing here?

"_Aleron_?"

He winked. "Hello, sister. Finally getting your hands dirty, I see."

I scowled. He was just showing off his scarlet highlights and crisp new leather jacket.

"Mister and Miss Badriyah." Miss Malyn was scowling at us over her spectacles, "Would you like to share your thoughts with the rest of us?"

Aleron smiled sweetly. "I apologise on behalf of my sister. She was wondering whether the hippos would think her delectable enough to be their morning snack."

A snigger went up from the rest of the students.

I crossed my arms and slumped further into my seat.

"I see. I'm going to call out the duties you'll have for the day. Feeding the lions; Cohava Kendrion, Aleron Badriyah, May-Belle Frosting..."

I zoned out. Aleron was always trying to show me up, it was obvious. I mean, who would wear a brand-new leather jacket to the zoo? I had the strange feeling that he'd be crying into his black and scarlet hair later today.

Miss Malyn's voice interrupted my thoughts, "...Brooklyn-Skyler Badriyah and Jessica-Heather Grey. Please proceed to your allocated venues. Someone will meet you there and you may begin."

It was a mad rush to get off the bus. Did I mention Miss Malyn had two policies? The other one was _"Thou shalt loose a service point if thou is not excited about community service"._ I always came out bottom of the pile, no matter how hard I tried, so eventually I gave up.

"Service points." I muttered darkly, "Hah! I swear, I'll murder the guy who decided Community Service counts in the term average."

I was a bright student (Jessica taught me all I ever needed to know), I always got straight A's, I always finished my homework on time, and I still managed to get a bad term average because of this stupid Service.

After Jess had finally dragged me off the bus, she dropped my arm and glared at me. "Ok, Sky, I've done my duty in getting you off the bus, now you can use those things called legs and walk yourself to the hippo pen."

I groaned. "Oh, no, anything but that."

"Come on! We're in charge of mucking it out, so the sooner we start, the sooner we can get this over with, then we can go to the concert."

"Concert?"

Jess rapped on my skull. "Has the smell of animal manure erased your memory? Thorne's band is playing in the school concert tonight!"

Thorne Demitriades was the heart-throb bad-boy of the school. Tall, muscular and, well, goth. Jess, like all the other girls, was madly in love with him. I, on the other hand, thought he was a downright pig looking for attention.

"Right. Well, we might as well start then. Which way to certain death?"

* * *

"See? I told you you'd look good in overalls." said Jess, hands on her hips.

"I feel like a walking cushion."

"Oh, please, it's not that bad!"

"Hey!" called one of the girls, "Could you two stop chatting and help us out here?"

I picked up a shovel and stepped into the pen, wrinkling my nose. This was going to be the death of me.

* * *

"Lunch break!" called our guide after four hours of mucking.

"Oh, thank the lord!" I said, throwing down my shovel.

I shrugged out of the overalls and slipped on my sneakers.

Jess watched me. "See? It's not that bad."

The other students were eager to get to their friends, so it was only Jess and I left. Until Aleron came trotting around the corner.

"Hello, sister." he cooed, "How is it you're still alive after such a gruesome task?"

I stood. "Shove off, Aleron."

"Who says?"

Jess interrupted. "Aleron, what do you want?"

"Oh, just on my way to the restaurant. Did I mention I saved a girl from being eaten? Oh, but the hippos are so much scarier than the lions. Isn't that right, Brooke?"

"How about you let me wipe that smirk of your face, then we'll see who's more dangerous."

I lunged at him, but Jess pulled me back. "You two are acting like children! I thought you were sixteen! Sky, he's trying to tempt you, just walk away."

I took a breath and nodded. As I started walking away, Aleron piped up again. "Oh, aren't we chicken."

That was the last straw. Aleron was being a big baby today, and I was sick of it, sick of _him_! I gripped his shoulders and pushed him backwards into the wall.

He recovered before I could run. He shook his head, walking toward me. "Poor little thing. So childish. So impulsive."

"Shut up, asshole."

He smiled wickedly. "Well, well, that's the pot calling the kettle black."

His hands shot out and I was hit with a powerful force which knocked Jess and I over the fence and into the hippo pen. We hit the water. I tried to swim, but I couldn't, as if I was stuck in quicksand. I was sucked further and further into the murky depths. Eventually I had to open my mouth for air. Filthy water filled my lungs and I blacked out.

* * *

Aleron stared at the spot where the whirlpool had appeared and sucked the two girls up. He regarded his hands, eyes wide.

He looked around. Nobody had seen him.

He ran to the restaurant and crashed onto a bench where all his friends were gathered. Nothing had happened. There was no way anyone was going to find out what had happened.

Not that he knew, either.


	2. Myth, the Mary-Sue

**_Two_**

A small bird landed on a tree and looked around. It spotted Gandalf walking into the Hobbit hole where Frodo and Bilbo lived. Then it heard a scream. It soon made out the words; "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" it was followed by a thump. The bird chirped and got on with its life.

* * *

I groaned and rubbed my head. I sat up, rubbing my temples. "Aleron, I'm going to murder you! I could've been- " I took a look at my surroundings. "...Killed. Oh, freak. I'm in hell."

Suddenly bells started ringing sweetly. Soon after, a choir piped up, singing some sort of song you'd hear in a church. Then a figure drifted gently to the ground, white robe pooling around it.

It said, "Aw, my head."

I blinked. I'd know that voice anywhere. The American accent was gone, but it was definitely the voice of my best friend. "_Jess?_"

She sat up and looked at me with striking green orbs. I gawped. Gone were her sky-blue eyes and ginger hair, her freckles and chubby cheeks. I was staring at a being with perfect features. _Perfect._ Not a silver hair out of place. Yes, I said silver hair. Waist long silver hair. Not silver as in grey, but silver as in shining...no, glittering...well, platinum. Her plump lips were a bright red, her cheeks a summer pink and her eyes were lined with some sort of black glitter.

"Sky you look dreadful!" I noticed her braces were gone and her teeth were perfectly straight.

She was right. My black hair was matted and I was covered in slime. I could practically feel the bacteria crawling across my skin.

"And you look..." _like a Mary-Sue._ I thought, but I dared not say it.

She looked at her hair and reached a hand up to her face.

"...Different." I finished. "Do you know where we are? I mean, you're the reader. It doesn't look like Dante's Inferno so..."

"We're in Middle Earth." she said, looking around and smiling.

"Where?"

"Middle Earth. It's where J.R.R Tolkien's books are set. I've just started the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Oh, I wish it had fallen in after us!"

The sky opened above us. For a moment, I thought her wish had been granted, but my astonishment turned to horror as I realised a big shape was hurtling towards us. Jess and I rolled out of the way as a hippo crashed to the ground.

I stared at it. It was one of the hippos from the zoo.

* * *

Jess had wanted to take a look at her new self and had insisted on going into some town called Bag-End. We soon stumbled upon a wall decoration made of bits of glass. Jess studied herself carefully. "I'm...beautiful. I'm actually beautiful."

"Right, now that you know what you looks like...Jessica-Heather Grey, what the heck is going on?!"

"We've been dropped into Middle-Earth. And I think I need a cooler name. I mean, you're lucky your mother is a goth-name enthusiast! Brooklyn-Skyler Badriyah. It suits you!"

"Yeah. Sure. You mean a name like Nyx? ...Wait, did you just call me goth?"

"Myth." she said with passion. "Myth-Arachne-Onyx-Phoenix-Ruby-Raven-Topaz-Ysabelle-Artemia-"

"Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're getting a little carried away, Nyx! Since when do you know so many gothic, or Celtic or whatever you call them, names!"

"I...looked them up on the internet." she said sheepishly. "I think I'll stick to Myth."

I dropped my head into my hands. "Oh, man. Aleron, I'm going to murder you for this."

* * *

We eventually reached a home where the lights were on. _Strange, _I thought, _big round doors seem to be in fashion here._

People were shouting inside. My friend and I peered through the open window. A tall man in grey had a very short man pinned to the table while another very short man stared at them opened-mouthed.

"I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir!" wailed the one on the table, "Please, Mr. Frodo, don't let him turn me into anything unnatural!"

I raised an eyebrow at Jess...well, Myth.

"Gandalf's a wizard." she whispered.

"Right...an evil wizard or an old man who goes on about the universe?"

"I don't know I'm only on chapter two!"

We turned our attention back to the conversation. The short man and Gandalf had obviously come to some agreement.

"Me go see the Elves and all! Hooray!" then he burst into tears.

Myth and I stared at each other, eyes wide. "Elves!" we cried in unison. You didn't have to read Tolkien's books to know that Elves were hot in Middle Earth.

Hands closed around our necks and hauled us into the house.

"By my beard!" exclaimed Gandalf. "Who are you?"

"I go by the name of Myth." said my friend calmly. "My friend, Sky, and I were delivered here as gifts from above."

I put my head in my hands. "For heaven's sake! Look, we were pushed into a pond by my moron brother and ended up here. I'm sorry we interrupted. I heard you're a wizard, can you send us back?"

"That is beyond my power." said the old man, "But young Mr. Underhill and Sam here are leaving the Shire. Perhaps, if you joined them, you will find someone who can?"

"Yeah, sure, follow some short people around an unknown land. Fun."

"Come on, Sky. It'll be fun!"

"Isn't that what you said about the zoo?" I sighed. "Well, we might as well. Would anyone know where I could go for a shower or something?"

* * *

"Gandalf, I thought you said we must be wary around strangers." said Frodo as soon as the girls had left.

"I somehow doubt that they are spies, Frodo." said Gandalf. "But do not tell them about the Ring or our quest. You are simply travelling to see the land, is that clear?"

"Yes, sir, Mr. Gandalf, sir." said Sam, dutifully.

"And try to find out more about them..."

Gandalf trailed off as he caught sight of a massive grey creature at the window. It blinked at him slowly.

* * *

**Review please ;D!**


	3. Traveling with a Mary-Sue

**Hello, all! Thank you so much for the reviews! I've made this extra-long as thanks :) Er, would you call me greedy if I begged you for more?**

**Right, so this might seem a little rush and insignificant, but I'm doing book verse and I'm itching to get to the Council of Elrond, 'cause that's when the real fun begins! I also thought I'll give you a taste of what it's like having to travel with a Mary-Sue.**

**Oh, and, just to clear some questions wich might pop up, Myth and Sky haven't read Lord of the Rings, but they know the names of some of the main characters. **

**Here we go!**

* * *

**_Three_**

Myth and I stared into the empty sky. It seemed so ominous now. Frodo and Sam were getting ready to leave for Bree. Oh, yeah, another Hobbit was invited to join the party. I wasn't complaining. Pippin understood my jokes.

"Don't you think Gandalf accepted us a little too quickly." I asked.

"Hm? Oh, no, not at all!"

"But wouldn't he ask questions about two strangers who just popped into existence?"

"Nah! I'm sure he was just charmed by my beauty."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. Have Nyx, will travel. Why are we going again?"

"Frodo needs to destroy the Ring. But we don't know that, ok? Don't mention the Ring. That's about all I've read. Gandalf sent us because he thinks we'll be sent back to Earth."

Something nudged my back. I didn't turn. "What about the hippo?"

She shrugged. "They'll think it's our exotic pet."

"What about when it's not with us? I mean, it was gone till now."

"Don't worry, I'm sure anything that weighs as much as three loaded trucks can take care of itself."

I turned. The hippo was gone again.

* * *

Gandalf cursed himself. Why had he trusted these strange girls? His instincts had told him just to go for it, but now, he was wondering if he was going mad.

"Farewell." he called as they departed. Now he would just have to make his way to Isengard. He hoped Saruman would be of some help.

* * *

Not much had happened for the first few hours, except for Sam's whole "leaving the Shire" drama and being bulldozed over by Myth for no reason at all.

Actually, nothing much happened for the first day. We'd stopped and made a fire in a place where Sam thought fit for us to rest in. I woke up with a horrible backache. Myth, however, was bright as a diamond. I silently cursed the utter perfection of Mary-Sues.

Soon, though, I started to relax and enjoy the sights and sounds of this new-found glory called Middle-Earth when it suddenly darkened, as if black clouds had enveloped the wood we were trekking through.

Frodo was gazing at the road, a glaze over his eyes. Then I heard it; the clip-clopping of horse hooves. Was someone following us? Whoever it was, I felt a strong urge to hide from them.

I spotted an alcove made by the roots of a tree just off the path. I crouched in it and motioned for Myth to do the same, since everyone else had decided to roll around in the dirt off the side of the road. It was a tight squeeze, but a small price to pay for the sudden comfort it brought me.

We heard the rider approach and stop. There was a noise, as if whoever it was sensed something out of the ordinary and could sniff out what changed.

A heroic look crossed Myth's face.

_Oh, no,_ I thought, _no, you don't!_

But she did. My friend sprang from her hiding place, brandishing a thick tree branch.

"Be gone, foul creature!" she yelled, waving her branch about.

I took a breath and stepped out. And regretted it. There, in front of me, was a black horse. Well, it wasn't the horse that scared me, but the rider. It wore a black cloak, which covered its entire body, and its hood hid its face in shadow. Though, I doubted it even had a face. I glanced at the wicked-looking sword at its hip, then at Myth and her tree branch.

Shit. What now?

I grinned. "Er, hello."

It didn't reply.

"Can we help you?"

_"Shire, Baggins!"_

It rasped in a voice which my brain registered, but my ears refused to hear.

"Shire's up there." I said, pointing back the way it had come. "Baggins is also up there."

It stayed put.

"Be gone!" Myth yelled again, jabbing the branch in its direction.

The horse looked slightly amused, but I picked up a signal which said _I'll kill you if you're not careful_.

"Saw him about an hour ago down that way." I said, jabbing a thumb over my shoulder. That did it.

The horse reared up on its hind legs and my friend and I moved to the side as the two frightening creatures rode away.

"What was that for?!" Myth yelled, turning on me when the two had disappeared from our sight.

"Er, excuse me, Nyx, but I'd like to think I saved your life!"

"I had the situation well in hand." she said, swinging her branch.

"Oh, yeah, planning to charm the bloody thing to death?" I spat.

Frodo stepped into the scene. "I think we should move on now..." he said.

"He's right." I said, "I really don't want to run into another one of those anytime soon."

"I fear we may meet more along this road." Sam muttered, glumly.

The frightening part was that I believed him.

* * *

It was dusk now. The Hobbits sang. Myth knew the words off by heart, somehow. I just picked up the tune and hummed along. The last verse made me feel a little homesick;

_Home is behind, the world ahead,  
And there are many paths to tread  
Through shadows to the edge of night,  
Until the stars are all alight.  
Then the world behind and home ahead,  
We'll wander back to home and bed.  
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,  
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!  
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,  
And then to bed! And then to bed!_

Then Pippin sang the words I thought; "And _now_ to bed! And _now_ to bed!"

"Hush!" said Frodo urgently. "I think I hear hooves."

We scurried off the path. I laid a hand on Myth's arm and gave her a pleading look. She winked at me, holding up her branch. I face-palmed.

A song carried itself on the wind and made me swoon as it reached my ears. The voices singing it were oh so beautiful and a picture of angelic beings formed in my mind.

"Elves!" exclaimed Sam in a horse whisper.

My friend's eyes grew wide. "Could it be?"

"They're singing in a different language." I noted, listening. It was a beautiful language with many words which rolled off the tongue easily.

"It sounds like they're singing about snow-white." said Myth.

I shot her a look. Of course _she_'d understand the Elves.

"These are the High Elves! They spoke the name of Elbereth!" exclaimed Frodo when the song had ended.

"They sound hot." said Myth.

"Oh, don't you dare!" I hissed, grabbing her arm. But the others were already stepping from the shadows.

"Hail, Frodo!" cried a voice which sounded like the sweet tinkling of a small bell. "You are abroad late. Or are you perhaps lost?"

A little more of the conversation went on, before Myth peeled my hand from her forearm. "I can't bear this any longer! I have got to see one of these things!"

She stepped onto the road and there was a collective gasp. I stayed hidden, listening.

I waited.

I grinned.

Then I stepped onto the road, still grinning at the horrified Elves.

"That, my friends, is a hippo."

* * *

The Elves hadn't taken much of a liking to the hippo. They only relaxed once it had ambled off. When they enquired about Myth, Frodo merely waved it off, saying the two of us were simply travelling with the Hobbits for the time being, sightseeing and whatnot. It was only then that they took notice of little old me. Yes, hidden behind the Radiant Glow of Myth the Flawless Goddess was Sky, black curls hanging in her face, obsidian eyes staring at them from under thick eyebrows.

The High Elves promptly forgot about me again and invited our small party to walk with them.

"They're so beautiful, don't you think?" Myth whispered. "Especially Gildor. Do you think he likes me?"

_What beautiful creature couldn't fall for a Mary-Sue the second he glances at one?_ Instead, I opened my mouth to remind her they'd only just met when the mentioned Elf butted in.

"And what is your name, fair maiden?" he asked, falling into step beside Myth. His voice reminded me of warm, velvety smooth chocolate.

She blushed. "Myth."

He nodded. "An exotic name," he studied her face, "for a beautiful woman."

I nearly burst out laughing. I disguised it with a cough. "Uuh, mind if I cut in, Sir Galahad?" I made sure the sarcasm was dripping off my voice so the Elf would pick it up. Not waiting for an answer, I proceeded to ruin their moment: "Nyx here is about, er, fifteen going on sixteen and you're about five thousand? Six thousand? Somewhere in the thousands?"

He just glared at me, but my message was clearly received; _get away from my best friend_.

* * *

So, we ended up in Woodhall with no further disturbances from Gildor. After the great feast of fruit and bread, Myth and I sat side by side on the other side of the fire to Frodo and Gildor.

"That must've been some strong drink." Myth commented, eyeing the sleeping Hobbits. The two of us had politely refused the drink they offered. I wasn't prepared to drink anything other than water in this world, just in case it overloaded my body, which was already rejecting the fruit. Myth's old common sense had probably returned and she'd decided she was too young to drink. Or not. You could never tell what was going on in the head of a Mary-Sue.

"Maybe." I said, shrugging, "Or maybe they're just tired. Those short little legs did a lot of work tonight."

She sighed, drawing her knees up to her chin. "I can't believe we missed the concert."

I looked into the flames. "Maybe we haven't. Maybe time is different here. Remember, it was about nine in the morning when Aleron pushed us in and it was dark when we got here."

"Maybe. Or maybe it took us a while to get here. You never know." There was a pause. "You didn't have to go and ruin that moment back there."

I shook my head, grinning. "Trust me, Nyx, there are people out there just as good-looking as him. People who are _younger_."

"Like Legolas?" she asked, a playful smile on her lips.

"Let me rephrase that. _Humans_ can be just as good-looking as him."

"Like Aragorn?"

"Oh, I give up!" I muttered. But I smiled anyway. This was Jess, always finding a loophole, always showing off her wits. Oh, and _always_ falling for the boys.

* * *

"Sky."

"Mmmf."

"Sky."

"Mrrrrm."

"Sky."

"Mpf."

"SKY!" bellowed Myth.

I sat bolt upright, my head crashing into my friend's. We both fell over, moaning and holding our heads.

"Well what did you go and do that for?" I groaned, glaring at her.

"The others are preparing to leave. You missed breakfast!" she said brightly, recovering.

"I've never been much of a morning person anyway." Food in the morning? Who in their right mind would eat in the _morning_?

"Come _on_!" she started dragging me by my feet out of the tree I had been sleeping in. "We're going to be late!"

* * *

The Elves said their farewells as we departed. Gildor had turned on the charm and kissed my friend's hand. What irritated me was that he clasped it in his longer than was necessary. Though Myth seemed far less interested in him this morning, so I let it go.

Alright, I'll admit it, I'm a little jealous. I'd never met beings so perfect as Elves, and my very presence was eclipsed by a Mary-Sue. But these were the High Elves. Maybe something else would find me interesting enough to take note of my existence.

We plodded along, the day soon growing hot. Sam spotted a Black Rider. We strayed off course. We waded a stream. We stopped for a break.

Then they Hobbits sang. I listened to the tune and prepared to join in as the next verse began when something wailed. The long-drawn cry was that of a lonely creature. A very lonely creature, it seemed.

I shuddered as the Hobbits began to debate over what it was that made the sound. Soon we all decided it would be best to carry on with our journey.

* * *

"Grip! Fang! Wolf! Come on, lads!" I heard a voice call. The cacophony of barking stopped, to my utter relief. We'd found ourselves at the gate of the home of some person called Mr. Maggot.

"Bloody stupid names for dogs, if you ask me." Myth breathed.

"Says she who wanted to be called every goth name in the book!" I shot back.

Mr. Maggot invited us inside and started up a conversation with the Hobbits. When he enquired about us (Yes, he noticed me), again, Frodo told him we were only travelling with them for the time being, sightseeing. He accepted the story and payed no more attention to us, thankfully.

After much conversation (which I will not bore you with), we were sent (by Frodo) to help Mrs. Maggot in the kitchen. Somehow, after dinner, I winded up in a wagon with four Hobbits and Mr. Maggot. And a neurotic Myth complaining that a Black Rider might pop out of nowhere and kill us all.

Speaking of which, another Hobbit who looked just like Pippin who went by the name of Merry came striding out of the darkness wearing a black cloak and riding on a black horse. Yes, we _all_ had a mini heart attack. We agreed to let him join us on our journey to Bree.

* * *

After a very uneventful next day, we ended up in the house of Fatty Bolger. Or something like that. There were only two baths, so the poor Hobbits had to share one while Myth and I had the other all to ourselves. Anyway, I'd just had a bath and was waiting for Myth.

"What do you think is happening back at home?" said the silver blob which was poking out of the water. "I mean, Miss Malyn must have noticed our absence and called our parents by now."

"I've been wondering that myself, actually." I'd stayed up for hours wondering how Aleron was going to explain to our mothers that he'd been the cause of our disappearance. We were probably dead to that world now.

"Will we ever get back?"

I sighed. "I don't know. But we might as well make the best of our situation."

Pippin's voice rose up in song next door. We ignored it. "How?"

I smirked. "By flirting with Legolas. How else?"

Porcelain hands appeared out of the murky bath water to pull the curtain of silver aside and reveal the grinning face beneath. "Oh, I could do that. No complaints here."

There was a loud splash from the side of the boy's bath which was followed by a _Whoa!_ from Frodo.

"Sky?"

"Yeah?"

"If we did find a way to get back home, do you think I'd go back to being...Jess?"

_Oh I hope so._ "There's only one way to find out."

Merry knocked on our door. "Supper's ready!"

"Thanks, Merry!" I called back. I walked across the room, patting Myth's wet head as I passed her. "Come on. I'm hungry."

* * *

**Can I give you a hint? When people review, I know that my story's being read, so therefore, I post longer chapters more frequently. I'm not trying to get the most reviews, I want to know my writing's being appreciated. Or hated. Any kind of feedback is great :D**

**I love you all so much for reading all the way to the bottom of this page! xxx *virtual cookies***


End file.
